Dating a demisexual: first base and beyond

So, recently, and despite my protestations to all who would listen, and many who wouldn’t, I signed up for not just Tinder, but OKCupid too. Admittedly, I’m not that desperate to date again but the chances of finding a new best friend that conformed to my very specific criteria whilst sat at home playing Shadow of the Tomb Raider and listening to Undisclosed seem very minimal indeed. 

At some point on the future I will write about my experiences and observations of being a gender-nonconforming individual on those platforms, and doubtless I will find a way to stick it to Bumble BFF again in doing so. But for this post, I thought I’d concentrate on the demisexual aspect of using them.

In reading people’s bios (the few people’s bios, in Tinder’s case) I became aware of a few recurring rules – no cheaters, no time-wasters, no profile pics of your car, no topless gym toilet six-pack pics, and definitely, under no circumstances whatsoever, and with no exemptions, exceptions or waivers, no dick pics (which you’d think would go without saying, but apparently a large number of men still haven’t read that page yet. Bless their poor slow readers club hearts).

The one rule that really caught my eye was the “no pen pals” rule. I was surprised that women were in a rush to meet complete strangers given, you know, men but a large number seemed quite indecently keen to move from the screens to sheets.

As a demisexual, the merest thought of the possibility regarding speculation about the idea of progressing from chats to irl encounters made my hemorrhoids throb. If demisexuals had a mission statement, and it’s likely we don’t because wow, what a commitment that would require, it would not contain the adverbs quickly, speedily or acceleratedly (especially because that last one doesn’t exist). 

So, for the sake of those readers who have never dated or dating-apped a demisexual before, I thought I’d spell out exactly what first, second and third bases are, and what a home run is. Hopefully that will assist you in managing your expectations so that you and your demiseuxal can move serenely to a comfortable and probably non-tactile place.

First base

Traditionally, first base is kissing, generally French kissing. Wikipedia helpfully spells out that this means mouth-to-mouth kissing, in case you thought it was mouth-to-elbow kissing, clavicle-to-ulna kissing, or God only knows what else. For norms, first base is the lowest possible form of personal intimacy on a date so the demi counterpart is quite obvious.

Demisexual first base: turning up for the date

Second base

Second base is where dates step up from steamy to sweaty as kisses come with caresses. Admittedly, it’s usually over the shirt, sweater or chunky Argyle cardigan, but second base is a something between a statement of intent and a declaration of desire. Second base sees demisexuals switch to sultry and steamy too as they make their carnal desires clear and distinct.

Demisexual second base: addressing you by your first name

Third base

Third base is where dates get international – it’s all about Roman hands and Russian fingers, heading south for some serious stimulation. But demisexuals can get physical too, and third base is where they show it off with their, ummm, roaming eyes and rushing glances. 

Demisexual third base: making eye contact with you

Home run

The crunch, the crossroads and hopefully the climax, home run is when promises are delivered on. It’s the ultimate act of one person giving themselves over to the pleasure of the other with no thought of consequences or what time the last train home leaves. We’re talking S-E-X, or the obvious demisexual equivalent.

Demisexual home run: agreeing to see you again

Of course, I jest. Well, I jest a little. My point is still a serious one. If norms are the 0826 from Sheffield that calls at Chesterfield, Derby and Leicester and gets to St Pancras in 1hr 59min, demisexuals are the 0724 that calls at Chesterfield, Alfreton, Langley Mill, Nottingham, East Midlands Parkway, Leicester and gets into St Pancras 2 hrs and 47 minutes later. We get there eventually, you just have to be a little more patient.

6 replies on “Dating a demisexual: first base and beyond”

Your writing style is fabulous! So relatable and makes me chuckle, even when your talking about a serious issue, I’m always entertained as I’m educated. Thanks

Liked by 1 person

No pen pals? I’ve not been brave enough to join a dating app (yet). If I did I would need some online communication for awhile before I’d want to meet up in person. I can’t imagine even having an interest in someone without having that first.


That’s exactly why I don’t use Tinder! I thought people would want to be careful about who they were meeting and properly vet them; but the number of people in their 30s and above who have something like “No pen pals!” in their bio is just amazing. They want to move from matching to meeting far too quickly, imho. If you were to start I’d suggest Bumble; people tend to have better bios and more pics, and once there’s a match it’s down to the ladies to send the first message. Keeps you a little more in control.


I have a friend that has used Bumble. I will have to ask her about it. Thank you. I would just not be comfortable meeting up with someone in person that quickly. I have anxiety for one thing. I prefer to get at least a little comfortable with someone first.


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