I was circa 15 when I lost my virginity. Well, I may have been a bit younger. It depends how you define sex but I was definitely older than 13. Let’s call it 15 for the sake of what was on the first revision a snappy opening line. I was 15 when I lost my virginity and 48 when I first tried this toy. In the intervening 33 years, my bum had been like the southbound side of the M1 – strictly one way only. The thought of anything making the journey north aroused fearful feelings in me, akin to those you’d get trying to drive northwards on that same southbound stretch of road.
This horror was not born of homophobia, just an absolute abhorrence at the thought of inserting anything into something so unclean. And it wasn’t just anal insertion that I found unclean, but literally any passage of text on Wikipedia containing the words “sex” and “anus”. On no account would there be inserting, entering, prodding, touching, licking, slurping, kissing, lubricating, filching, rimming, fondling, partaking, imagining, fantasising, or contemplating, in either the active, passive or drunk sense. Chief among these fears was the thought of something coming out of a bum covered in poo. That was the absolute bottom line.
So it will probably come as no little surprise to find that my very first sex toy was an anal vibrator. I will describe elsewhere the turn of events then that led to me buying it, and instead concentrate on the toy itself, the “The Rocks Off Teazer Petite Sensations Beginner’s Vibrating Butt Plug”.
And before we start, let’s have a minute to appreciate the Malcolm Tucker-like sadist in the marketing team at Rocks Off who kept saying, “No! NO! The product name needs to be longer! It’s too short and memorable! Either come back with a product name that gets into double figures of words or take yourself to the River fucking Thames, fill your pockets with rocks and take a long unidirectional walk towards the sound of rushing water.”
The thing itself is black (purple is now available on the Lovehoney site), 5 inches long, with an insertable length of about 4 inches. The silicone is smooth and it doesn’t have any ridges or mould marks on the shaft – it actually feels really nice. The shaft itself is about as intimidating as a well-fingered large-print Miss Marple anthology in a protective library dust cover last changed in the 1980s, so if you are a complete bum beginner you need not worry about feeling like a long wheelbase Ford Transit has just been reversed into your back garage.
At the non-business end is a tiny tube, into which you will insert a short bullet vibrator. When in place and activated, this magic little doohickey – it’s about 3 inches long – makes the whole vibrator buzz. Again, if you’re new to Greek navy manoeuvres, I really do mean ‘buzz’. It’s more akin to a phone on vibrate in your pocket than a jigapick up your bum. In other words, totally non-intimidating. One press of the button turns it on, and subsequent presses make it cycle through several patterns: “bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”; “bzz bzz bzz”; “bzz bzz bzzzzz bzzzzz”; and so on. A long press turns it off. It uses N cells, which I guarantee you won’t have lying around the house because they’re the wrong size for everything, so make sure to order spares.
Being made of silicone – and this is very important, first time wanderers down the back passage – you have to make sure you use the right type of lubricator. This is essential. Here are the ones that I use. When is clear and looks like water but thicker – like baby lotion – whereas the other is semi-opaque and the description on the Lovehoney site has some weird connotations that I didn’t care to parse. Just get a water-based lubricant, and be generous with it.
No. That isn’t what I mean, although it certainly describes how I felt about my first time. I lubed the shaft, and I lubed myself . And I don’t just mean my bum, but my whole midriff, from my chin to my knees. I wasn’t risking anything.
It was a bit like the first time I tried sleeping tablets, after I decided that 20 years was long enough to put up with insomnia and tried self-medicating. So sure was I that these things would knock me out in the space of one breath, like chloroform does in ITV dramas, that I actually tried taking it whilst lying flat on my back. I put the pill in my mouth and then tried to pour water into my mouth whilst holding the glass several inches above my face. True story. I am the first insomniac in history to try waterboarding themselves to sleep.
I digress (it’s my superpower). I resisted the temptation to wear marigolds (see my earlier thoughts about feeling dirty) but I did put a towel down on the bed. And then, only then, was I ready to enter the ring of fire.
This is an accurate and practically verbatim record of my thoughts from this point on.
“Sloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly…”
(Presses button to start vibrations)
(Cycles through settings before settling on the best one)
“Oh… my… God…”
(Takes the handbrake off and puts it straight into sixth… arrives at the destination around 30 seconds later)
“Okay. I’m going to need something bigger.”
And that is honestly what happened. I went from thirty years of hurt to thirty seconds of wow just like that. I ordered that vibe at the start of December; in the Boxing Day sale I ordered a thicker vibe with a wired remote control; three more anal toys in January; and my Valentine’s Day present to myself was 7 inches long.
And that’s really what this vibe is – a gateway drug. It works well but it’s not much more than an over-excited pencil. I still use it, occasionally, if I haven’t used the poop chute in a while, but its two clear use cases are for absolute beginners or as a warm-up act for bigger, girthier things. It’s like The Vaccines of vibrators in that respect. At £20 it’s a tad expensive for something that won’t be a first choice pick for long, but if you can get it in a sale for nearer half price I’d say it was excellent value for money for something that you’ll only bring on from the bench occasionally. You’re likely to want something bigger quite quickly, but it’s a good quality item and your complaints are only going to be of the good kind.
Comments: there’s a reason I don’t write many reviews. It’s because I can’t stick to the point.